Topics of Interest – Love:

ROMANTIC PASSIONATE LOVE: WHAT CREATES IT--WHAT DESTROYS IT by Fonya Lord Helm, Ph.D., ABPP

Falling in love offers an opportunity for transformation of one’s sense of self and can provide a sense of completion and transcendence of oneself because of the involvement with the other person. As the romantic passionate relationship develops, it offers the opportunity to truly know and accept another person.

Communication between lovers is conscious, nonconscious and unconscious, and nonconscious and unconscious communication predominate when the lovers are falling in love. A good match needed between the lovers' styles of communication and the lovers' ideal images of the loved one. In addition, both people need to be in a state of readiness to fall in love. There has to be room for a new person.

As the love relationship develops, the style of communication assumes even greater importance and is crucial for the continuation of love. Misunderstandings can cause the destruction of love. Many have tended to devalue romantic passionate love and believe that it can't last. Even if it doesn’t last a lifetime, it offers exceptional opportunities for growth and development.

For some, love lasts. As long as lovers share a mutual fascination with one another, they can sustain a long-term passionate relationship--one in which the capacity for passionate engagement remains alive and emerges intermittently, even though the lovers may not be as obsessed with their love as they were in the courtship stage (Person, 1988).

The Ideal Image

A good match between the ideal images of the lover enables the lovers to recognize one another. In describing this ideal image, Person quotes (1988) quotes something H.G. Wells wrote toward the end of his life: "I think that in every human mind, possibly from an extremely early age, there exists a continually growing and continually more subtle complex of expectation and hope; an aggregation of lovely and exciting thoughts; conceptions of encounter and reaction picked up from observations, descriptions, drams; reveries of sensuous delights and ecstasies; reveries of understanding of reciprocity; which I will call the Lover-Shadow. [W]hen we are in love, it means that we have found in someone the presentation of the promise of some of the main qualities of our Lover-Shadow. The beloved person is for a time identified with the dream--attains a vividness that captures the role, and seems to leave anything outside it unilluminated" (p. 34).

This idea of the Lover-Shadow, or the idea of the ideal image, can make us somewhat uncomfortable, because we all want to be loved for our uniqueness. We want to be special. The idea of loves that have gone before, even if some of them came from early childhood, makes us feel jealous and unappreciated. Basically, we want to be loved totally and unconditionally (Person, 1988).

These ideal images of the lover that people carry with them are unconscious to a great extent and very hard for a third party to know about. Blind dates give us an example of how difficult it is for people who are matching up the couple to know if the match will be good. In most people, the unconscious image gets integrated in early to middle adolescence, although large pieces of it are in place before, having developed in early childhood out of the relationships with parents and caretakers. The Oedipal and pre-Oedipal components are reworked in early adolescence, along with various cultural images that are characteristic of one's generation. These images are noticeably different from the images of the parents’ generation, and parents are often puzzled by their children's strange hair styles and clothes, and wonder how anyone could possibly find such styles attractive. The purpose of the different images of each generation is to lessen any similarity with the parents’ generation.

The physical part of the image of the ideal lover is the easiest to know about. Most people are somewhat conscious about what constitutes their physical type, and a very good fit with the physical image guarantees a strong initial response. There are, however, a number of other attributes of the image which are completely unconscious. These attributes, many of which have to do with styles of communication, need to resonate well with the other person's style of communication and its attributes. If they don't, people notice that the relationship feels uncomfortable, and they make up reasons for the discomfort. What we are dealing with here is something that is highly irrational. People are unable to explain convincingly why they love a particular person, and two people can't reliably explain in words why they love each other (Person, 1988).

Readiness to Fall in Love

In addition to the ideal image of the lover, another important factor is the readiness for a romantic relationship. Both people have to be ready to be interested in the other person in a romantic, passionate way. This readiness is not necessarily conscious. Often it isn't, and one has to reserve judgment about those who say they are ready because often they are not, and their unconscious communications are very different from what they consciously believe. The opposite situation also exists: a person can feel shy and uncomfortable consciously but be unconsciously ready. Such a person may feel conflicted and bewildered when he or she falls in love.

Bergmann (1987) believes that before a person falls in love there is a vague feeling of dissatisfaction with himself or herself, a feeling that something is missing in life. A mild depressive feeling emerges. Mourning over the loss of a person or a disappointment in the self, if it is not too severe, is conducive to falling in love. Another aspect of readiness that Bergmann notes is not being excessively involved with one's parents, or a former lover, either in a positive or a negative way.

Styles of Communication

Communication in love has a stronger emotional aspect and a weaker substantive aspect than other kinds of communication. Words are used to generate and induce feelings, and the intellectual content of the words is secondary. The involvement is with the lover, not with the intellectual substance of the communication. In love, the aspects of communication that are most important have to do with things like tone of voice, body language, and touch. Words are important as they enhance these communications that resonate on many levels. Poetry captures these kinds of communications better than prose.

An example is the earliest known example of love poetry from Egypt, written between 1300 and 1100 B.C.:

"I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was sweet to excess. I shall never be far away (from) you while my hand is in your hand, and I shall stroll with you in every favorite place.

How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me to eternity; since I have lain with you you have lifted high my heart. In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me"

(Bergmann, 1987, quoting Simpson, 1973, p. 308).

The communications draw heavily on the imaginative capacities of the recipient and are different from communications about objective reality. It is here that the mysterious nature of love becomes most noticeable. A good fit between styles of communication means that each person will fell understood. Each will feel similar to the other, and discoveries of similarities of all types enhance falling in love. The lovers feel empathically attuned to one another, and feel that their needs are anticipated. It is like the communication of old "good objects." It reminds the person of people from very early life, and is a "refinding" of them (Bergmann, 1987).

Both Bergmann and Person point out that Freud's great insight into love was to demonstrate the continuity of love, in spite of appearances to the contrary, and to expand Plato's insight that the union in love is truly a reunion. Person says that it was Freud's genius to see that all the lover's unfulfilled yearnings are transferred to the beloved, who is then experienced as the source of all that is potentially good. Thus the lover has been invested with the mystique of all the lost objects from the past.

Once the three basic criteria are met--ideal image, readiness, and style of communication, it is possible to fall in love. This model works for love between a man and a woman and for love between two people of the same gender. Everyone has identifications with men and women and many combinations of identifications and gender are possible (Gediman, 2005).

Developing the Love Relationship

After the lovers have fallen in love, they then begin to live out their loving relationship. We expect or at least hope that falling in love will lead to a long loving relationship that will end only in death, even though the capacity for a prolonged and sustained relationship is different from the capacity to fall in love. We usually think of one of the lovers dying first, but there are Liebestod fantasies (Gediman, 1981), fantasies of dying together, as in the Tristan and Isolde myth. This fantasy condenses many unconscious fantasies, one of which represents a fusion state, a recapitulation of the infant's early bond with the mother, in which there is no separation. Occasionally, a variant of such a fusion fantasy is institutionalized, as in the Indian custom of suttee, where the widow is burned on the husband's funeral pyre. In normal love, however, these fusion fantasies remain submerged and unconscious.

As the lovers' relationship develops, the way they live it out is determined by their development before falling in love (Bergmann, 1987), making each love relationship unique. The personalities and psychological development of the lovers will determine, for example, such important areas as the ability to sacrifice one's individual interest for the good of the lover or the couple. People in general are aware of the need for a good fit and may express it by saying that interests and backgrounds should be similar, and that the best partner would be the girl next door, or a girl "just like the girl that married deal old Dad"--as long as Oedipal guilt is not too great.

When there is a good fit in communication styles, each person feels understood and is comfortable. Each person is attuned to the anxiety level of the other and intervenes quickly if the partner begins to feel anxious or uncomfortable. The response is timely and the manner is loving and congenial.

Another way of looking at a good fit is to consider it as an example of the attribution of good aspects of the self to another person (Hamilton, 1986). It is an intersubjective as well as an intrapsychic process. The person treats the partner as if he or she were a valued part of the self. The partner then develops positive feelings because of being treated as a valued object or selfobject. Here the lovers' idealizations of one another are working well to develop the relationship. There are different possible outcomes of idealization, however, described well by Person (1988). When the idealization represents an extreme overvaluation, or misperception, it is vulnerable to confrontations with reality. But when the valuation of the beloved is not vastly exaggerated, idealization can endure. It is important, however, not to expect idealization to be static. Anger and irritation, sometimes in response to insignificant transgressions, will cause interruptions of the idealization, which can return quite quickly in happy love.

Creativity and playfulness are ways of keeping love alive. Imagination enhances mutuality and affects the ability to play erotically. The lover wants to please and care for the beloved as much as he wants to be pleased and cared for (Person, 1988). There is reciprocity, which distinguishes adult love from childhood love. The lover can be cared for without feeling infantile because he or she is also a caretaker. Happiness is guaranteed by the ability to continue to satisfy the beloved.

To the extent that love helps a person sacrifice for another rather than just doing things for oneself, it acts as an agent of change. Love gives one a sense of direction and purpose that are lacking in isolated individuality. Lovers are no longer bound by old habits and patterns but can experience growth and change, along with a sense of richness and abundance.

As long as mutuality exists, the lovers will continue to develop their relationship and be transformed by it. But what happens in those instances when mutuality cannot be sustained?

What Destroys Love?

The wish that the lover will be able to heal all the earlier wounds and hurts is the cause of many disappointments. Bergmann (1987) describes how this expectation of the lover comes about, First, there is a refinding of repressed aspect of the parent, and then there is a recalling, which can be dim, of very early life with the mother, so that the lover is included within the boundaries of the expanding self. There is a transfer of the idealization of the self or the idealization of the parents that makes one feel that this person is perfect or at least perfect for me. Hope is then awakened that this perfect person will be able to heal all the wounds and hurts of life.

As it becomes clear that such a goal is impossible, the lovers become disappointed. If they become disillusioned, their communications go awry and they begin to misunderstand one another more and more. If the match is good, the lovers recover quickly from such misunderstandings.

A secure attachment style (Bowlby, 1980) is very helpful. If even one person in the couple had at least one parent whose behavior was relatively predictable and who was present—no early separations or losses—the relationship will have a good chance of success. When both partners are securely attached, the relationship is very likely to last. Even those couples who are insecurely attached can do well, especially if they have some understanding of what they are up against—something that can be learned from relationships, including psychotherapy. Those people with disorganized attachment styles have the most trouble. They have experienced greater trauma and are less flexible.

If the lovers become disillusioned, however, they become more aggressive toward each other than the fit of their images and styles of communication will allow, and love can be destroyed. It becomes harder and harder for the lovers to understand each other's needs and wishes, and so instead of making the other person more comfortable, the lovers make each other feel more anxious, rejected, neglected, and unloved.

Such a lack of understanding tends to occur when one person needs to be healed in a way that conflicts with need of the other person. If both of these needs are experienced as imperative, it will be difficult for the lovers to find a compromise and continue to be sensitive to each other. Serious preoccupation with one's own needs causes problems. If the lovers have reached a certain level of maturity, they will love wisely and well (Bergmann, 1987). The lovers need to feel that they are a source of happiness for each other, that they can make the other person happy, and then they can communicate interest and liveliness.

A particular dilemma that is not easily solved occurs when the unconscious image that has to be refound has negative aspects that work against sustaining a relationship. Gourevitch (1986) has written about how a person will sometimes choose the "bad object" in spite of conscious wishes not to do so. An example would be the person who falls in love with someone who resembles an alcoholic parent. A strong effort is then made to reform the loved one because of the negative aspects of the person's behavior, but if the love one reforms, he or she no longer fits the unconscious image. If this lack of fit is too uncomfortable, the spouse will divorce the reformed alcoholic and marry another alcoholic.

Person (1988) notes differences between men and women such as women's greater comfort with surrender and the mutuality implicit in love and men's tendency to separate sex from love or dominate the beloved. Differences in the psychological development of men and women, which are caused partly by bodily differences such as the ability to bear children, and partly by brain differences such as morphology and hormonal effects on neurotransmitters interact with the cultural and subcultural contexts. The effect of environment interacts with the body and brain of the child immediately, and the effect is huge. The rhythms of caretakers have a powerful effect on the developing brain. Identifications with both men and women occur for everyone, irrespective of gender.

The specific content of femininity and masculinity can be culturally variable to a startling degree, and differences between men and women in our culture can be seen in popular fiction {Person, 1988). Popular fiction for women is romance novels, and reflects their wish for an ideal love relationship in which they are taken care of. Popular fiction for men centers on adventure, on the heroic quest, and the confrontation of grave dangers. Encounters with women occur to provide sex, and the prize is usually a young woman who is held in captivity. Women are more comfortable with surrender than man, who are concerned with dominance and avoiding submitting.

Summary

In order to fall in love, the lovers must have a good fit between their ideal images and styles of communication and be ready to fall in love. To develop the love relationship, they will rely heavily on their styles of communication and a good fit here, particularly between unconscious aspects of communication, is very important. The lovers will develop a strong sense of being a unit and will continue to develop a strong sense of being a unit and will continue to develop new ways to enjoy one another. They will be particularly good at understanding each other's communication that relate to subjective reality, and will be comfortable with the different communication styles of men and women. Idealizations of each other are not too different from reality. Love is destroyed when lovers disappoint each other, and develop serious misunderstandings of each other's communications.

References:

Bergmann, M.S. (1987). The Anatomy of Loving. New York: Columbia University Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho- Analysis.

Gediman, H.K. (1981). On love, dying together, and Liebestod fantasies. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 29: 607- 630.

----- (2005). Premodern, modern, and postmodern perspectives on sex and gender mixes. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 53: 1059 – 1078.

Gourevitch, S. (1986). On trying to make a bad object into a good object: Reflections on resistance. Presented at the American Psychological Association, Division 39, August, 1986.

Hamilton, V. (1996). The Analyst's Preconscious. Hillsdale, NJ: The Analytic Press, Inc.

Person, E.S. (1988). Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters. W.W. Norton. New York: Penguin Books USA Inc. 1989